I have written and deleted, written again, rewritten and deleted this blog a few times over the last week. It is a had one, the title has change a good few times too.
I try to be very honest in my blogs, I started them to not only improve my dieting life but also to provide some support for other people. I see so many before and afters and I get low and depressed when it doesn’t come easy to me and I know that I am not the only one. I hoped by writing these blogs I could show people that they are not alone and that we all have problems.
I posted my last blog almost 3 weeks ago with the promise of another the following Friday, I was aiming to get back on track following my holiday and the next blog was gonna be an update how did it go. Well that blog never happened.
Why not? Well I lost a member of my family, even writing this now I find so hard. I am not going to go in to details, I am in no way ready or strong enough to do that, I’m afraid.
I couldn’t really do anything at the time, I went through my normal day to day life, looking normal on the outside but screaming and crying on the inside. Food became my safety blanket. Takeaways, cheese, doughnuts, cake, chocolate, more cheese (I really like cheese btw) if it was there I ate it. I didn’t even think about it.
This last week I have been looking in the mirror and hating myself, both for the way I look and for letting myself eat with no control. Whats difference is it going to make? It not going to bring them back, and at this point it is defiantly not even making me feel better.
Food behaviour is such a deep subject and everyone one is different. You have people who eat when they are sad (me), the people who stop eating when sad (my husband) and many other variations in-between.
I can only talk about how it effects me.
At the moment I am angry with myself, unfortunately I was unable to attend the funeral (again not going to go into this too much) and I felt as though I had let him down not being there. I went from eating because I was sad to now eating to punish myself, I know I shouldn’t be doing it and it makes me feel worse but that was my way of punishing myself. I am slowing working through this, now that I understand what I am doing but it is not easy and will take time.
I will try to post more about how I move through this, but please understand that at times it maybe hard for me to do so.
I really do hope that my experience help others in some way.
Life is hard, I am not giving up, just having a bit of difficulty standing back up after this stumble.